As much as I've wanted to blog lately, my mind has been so fragmented that nothing made sense enough to post. I'll say it upfront right now, this post is the result of a situation on Facebook that is ongoing but hopefully will be resolved later today.
3 years. It's been 3 years since my pancreatic cancer diagnosis. In that 3 years, I've done things I never thought possible. I've met with congressional aides, met the widow of one of my heroes, raised more than $500 for pancreatic cancer research, and spoke during an internet chat radio show. I've also had some interesting plans percolating in my head for the future that I'm really hoping to complete. All of this is more than I dreamed of in the year leading up to my diagnosis.
All of that makes me feel like a really lucky person. Every single day when I wake up, I celebrate with a blessing ceremony taught to me by an incredible shaman. I thank the Universe for being alive and ask to be shown my lesson for the day. I also ask for healing energy to be sent to my friends and to people who are in difficult situations. And then, I start my day to day living.
I work hard to keep my balance of positivity and truth because my life has been out of balance and filled with lies for a long time. For reasons I'm not going to go into here, truth hasn't always been a part of my life but fr the last 4 years, I've worked to be truthful more than not. For someone who used lies as easily as eating favorite foods, it's not easy but it is worth it. So it's hard when someone I barely know starts in on me, especially when I feel I've done nothing as terrible as they seem to think.
On October 17, I had a phone call with someone who had been told by a new doctor that they were near the end of their life. I felt they were panicking at the news, (who wouldn't?) and felt that they needed to take a deep breath and calm down a bit. We talked for about an hour and I gave them my standard advice: try to calm down, get more opinions if they thought it best, then carefully think about the options. Make a decision based on what's right for you, not what everyone else wants you to do.
And then, I said something that is now being used against me. I told this person that doctors aren't always right, and that I saw this person being alive at least 18 months more, not the 1-5 months the doctor had told them. It was my opinion that this person felt some relief upon hearing that. Maybe I was wrong and I shouldn't have said anything at all about time. I know one thing from personal experience: I would have loved hearing someone tell me 18 months when my doctor said I'd be dead in 6. But then again, not everyone is like me.
Two weeks and one day later, I had an online message chat with this person because I had expected to call them and hadn't. We talked about results from my doctor's visit and about her latest doctor's visit. I ended that chat with the words "Remember, I said 18 months and not one day less." 12 hours later, I received a personal message from this person that told me not to give a time frame again, that while I might mean it positively, all it did was add to their confusion and pain. I accepted what this person said and responded simply with an "As you wish."
In the days after that message, several people online posted about their own personal issues. Most of my responses were my usual "I'm sending positive thoughts and energy your way" messages. I've gone over those responses and not once have I said anything about a time frame. I've also reviewed my private messages with the individual and my last message to them was the one mentioned above, the "As you wish" comment.
Imagine my surprise and confusion and finally, anger, when this person posted a message on our closed forum, saying they wouldn't name me personally but that I wasn't who I claimed to be, that I gave out death time frames that only hurt people, that sending energy was only a game for me, and that I'd pestered them with repeated phone calls and requests for them to call me, that they were not going to respond to me further and would never again trust me in anything I said. All this 5 days after my last exchange with this person.
I shut down my browser and tried to read. I tried to calm my thoughts and meditate. Nothing stopped my feelings of anger and hurt. I'd done exactly what this person had asked and yet, 5 days later, they were still upset enough to post such a message? I opened my browser and started to write a note on Facebook to post. I wanted to quote their comment and went to the closed forum, only to find that post was gone. The person appeared to be gone, as well. I asked another friend to verify that the comment was gone and they did. It looked like this person was gone. Truth was, they had de-friended me and blocked me from seeing any of their comments. I deleted my note without ever posting it.
Yesterday, I started seeing posts by this person again. I've not responded to any of them, thinking my best bet was to just let it go.
Another person in that group posted an interesting blog piece that I thought was incredible. There have been several comments about the piece and some cute quips posted. I did my usual bit of research and offered my own opinion as to why breast cancer awareness exploded and pancreatic cancer hasn't. I commented on two other posts, both vague-ish answers. Nothing negative at all, in my mind.
An hour ago, I opened my Facebook to see I had a message. I opened my messages and read the new one. It was from the person above and it was short. It said, and I'm quoting here, "Bitter till the end you will be...I pray for you." I am unable to respond to them directly.
I'm not bitter. I'm realistic. I thank the Universe daily for still being here when I have no idea WHY I'm still here. I will continue to offer positive thoughts and energy for anyone who is going through a hard time. I will continue to live my life as if I have a million tomorrows ahead of me. I will continue to be me, a flawed human being who has made a huge amount of mistakes and will make more before I die.
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