I Miss My Friend

Originally written and posted on my other blog on 5/9/2016 at 11:58pm

I miss my friend.  I miss the man I was able to talk with for hours at a time, overnight, without grasping for something to say.  I miss being able to say what I felt without having to censor it because the person I was talking with might think it was the wrong thing for anyone to think or say.  I miss hearing his voice calling me for a couple of minutes a few times a week, just because.  And I miss it all because I was stupid enough to lose this friendship through my own actions.

Everyone does stupid things from time to time.  Me, I've made a life of doing them.  And it's even worse because I was supposed to be so darned smart, with so much potential.  Instead, I'm barely surviving from day to day.  And the people I live with don't even know me, even though we're related.

So, what did I do to lose this friendship?  I took advantage of someone who was sweet and kind and lost in his own way.  I told this person exactly who and what I am and he still wanted me in his life.  Even after lying to him about something rather major, he managed to get past that and still be a friend.  A wary one, for sure, but still a friend.  I listened to his words and went too far.  Know those people who, if you give them an inch, they'll take three miles?  Well, I didn't take three miles, I took 100.  And even when I tried to get him to see, he didn't.  He didn't until the end, when there was no choice left BUT to see.

The stupid thing is, even with that, he had still said we'd keep in touch.  And at first, we did.  Sporadically.  Once in a while, like maybe once a month.  Then one night, I get a text from him, telling me exactly what he thought of me and what I'd done.  And it ended with "I'm done."  And that was it.  Nothing more.

I don't blame him.  Not really.  I mean, anyone could say "But you knew what she was from the start so why'd you trust her so much without keeping tabs?  HOW could you?"  I could say some things I observed about him but that's not going to change the situation and it wouldn't help either of us.  He's still going to hate me and I'm still going to miss him.  I don't think time is going to change either of those facts.

So why write this now?  Because lately things haven't been so great in almost any way.  I mean, if you read my posts on FB, you'd think I'm pretty much okay.  But I'm really not.  And I don't think it's going to get any better.  And then, I heard that where he worked the last time we talked is gearing up to lay off people and I worry about whether he's going to be laid off.  Or I watched a tv show about something he'd explained to me and I wanted to text and ask if he'd seen the show and what he thought about it.  And his daughters are growing up and oh, so beautiful and I'd love to hear the pride in his voice when he talks about them.  And this election year, wow, I'd love to talk to him about that.

But I can't do any of that because I was stupid and lost a friend.   And the words "I'm sorry" don't change a thing when you can't do anything to make it up, even if he'd let you.  Because some times, there just isn't enough "sorry" in the world to change the future.  And nothing will change the fact that... I miss my friend.