The end, for now, of a friendship?

Your arms weren't around him, his were around you. How does that feel to you? Do you enjoy your role or does it chafe a bit? It's not one I would ever have thought was yours but then, I guess I don't really know you at all. The man I know wouldn't have said one thing and done another.

How easily does it come to you, to lie to one person about second chances but to grant another one with no real thought at all? So not the man I thought. Maybe I gave you more than you actually had inside but I don't think so. I think the wanting to have someone is stronger than the hurt you suffered at their hands. You're better than that.

Please, don't call anymore. I can't do the superficial friendship with you, not with how much I feel for you. It just hurts too much, my friend.

Being a friend hurts sometimes

I've always pushed people away, thinking that if they got to know me, they'd hate the real me inside. If you hate someone, you don't want them around. It hurts when people leave but it hurts less when you make them leave. Thus the reason for my pushing them away, so that it wouldn't hurt as much as when they just left.

The more I think about that, the more I realize how selfish it was. Wanting to push people away? Just so you didn't hurt? Selfish to the core.

Then I met two people I couldn't push away. No matter how hard I tried, (and I sure did try hard, even today I still try at times) I couldn't push them away. I'm glad they're in my life because they make things better just being there.

But lately, one of the two feels like he needs to pull away. So, rather than being selfish and trying to keep him close, I'm going to push him away. Not by lying, as I would have done in the past, but by being honest with him. I don't want him to be in my life because he feels he needs to be. I want him in my life because he wants to be.

So when he calls today, IF he calls today, I'm going to tell him he doesn't have to call as he goes to and from work. The conversations are too forced lately and I don't want to force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. Doesn't matter if I love him. What matters is what he wants and needs. And, I think, for now that's not me.

hurting...

My soul is leaking out in dribs and drabs.
Each word you don't say pushes out another small bit.

Funny how you can start over with one person who hurt you but you really can't with me. Not really.

Do you think I've cut the link? That I can't feel your agitation, your anxiety?
Do you think that just because there are 2600+ miles between us that I can't feel your feelings?

You want to know the dream but all it will do is make that gap between us even larger. "It's your fears; it's not the truth." But you're wrong, my friend. It would truly be the end.
And my soul would be lost forever, then.