I've always pushed people away, thinking that if they got to know me, they'd hate the real me inside. If you hate someone, you don't want them around. It hurts when people leave but it hurts less when you make them leave. Thus the reason for my pushing them away, so that it wouldn't hurt as much as when they just left.
The more I think about that, the more I realize how selfish it was. Wanting to push people away? Just so you didn't hurt? Selfish to the core.
Then I met two people I couldn't push away. No matter how hard I tried, (and I sure did try hard, even today I still try at times) I couldn't push them away. I'm glad they're in my life because they make things better just being there.
But lately, one of the two feels like he needs to pull away. So, rather than being selfish and trying to keep him close, I'm going to push him away. Not by lying, as I would have done in the past, but by being honest with him. I don't want him to be in my life because he feels he needs to be. I want him in my life because he wants to be.
So when he calls today, IF he calls today, I'm going to tell him he doesn't have to call as he goes to and from work. The conversations are too forced lately and I don't want to force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. Doesn't matter if I love him. What matters is what he wants and needs. And, I think, for now that's not me.
No comments:
Post a Comment