Depression

 In the last eight months, I went through a very severe depressive episode. I’ve written several posts about it on Facebook, and now I’m going to be bringing them over here. I’ll also be writing new ones here and posting them partly on Facebook. This post is the very first post that I put on Facebook.

September 20, 2025

Depression is…

… Saying you’re fine but inside, you’re drowning in negativity.

… Acting upbeat and making jokes when you’re around others but crying almost nonstop went alone.

… Not wanting to leave your home, even to be with family and friends.

… Hiding your real reality because you don’t want others to see how bad it’s become.

… A messy house because you can’t concentrate long enough to put things away or clean or do laundry or even eat properly.

… Watching a movie that makes you laugh and cry for the fifth time in three days because it keeps the dark thoughts at bay.

… Wishing you still had your best friend to talk with, because he never judged you. He understood you judged yourself harder than he ever could.

… Hating yourself for being a coward when you used to live life bravely in between demon battles and you’re not doing that now.

Depression is a demon you battle in waves, and those waves can come days, weeks, months, sometimes even years apart. You can treat it, but there’s ever really a cure. I’ve been battling it for 45 years. Three different failed suicide attempts, all many, many years ago. The absolute hardest part is knowing when you just can’t fight it by yourself anymore and finally asking for help, when you’re staring at that demon and it’s millimeters from winning and you’re so tired that you nearly let it. You know you can ride it out, but you’re exhausted and you’re almost willing to let it win so you can rest. 

I was at that point this week. I pride myself on always battling it out, but this week was the closest I’ve been in more than a decade to just letting go. And it took so much effort to stop hiding, to literally break down in tears and admit what was going on to one of the members of my professional team, and simply say “I need help.”

The battle rage is on. I think my Nurse prescriber Aley, My, Therapist, Rebekka, and most of all my big sister Melodie. We’re changing my meds, we’re doing the work, and we’re moving forward once again, inches at a time, one moment at a time

There is no shame in seeking help, in breaking down. I’m sharing this part of the battle so others who might be struggling as badly as I have been and still am this week, can know it’s OK to ask for help. Help IS out there, even if it takes years to find it. Ask for it. You probably don’t think so but you’re worth it. Really, you are!